Truly Becoming a Mother

10 months ago, I became a mother. I had been looking forward to that day my whole life. I grew up around lots of babies. I work with kids. I loved on other people’s children working in church. I wanted my own! I wanted to feel that love that mothers feel.

Honestly though, I didn’t feel it. I felt the physical pain, I felt the amazement at how two real people with arms and legs and working organs came from inside of me, I felt their hearts beat as they laid on me, I felt awestruck at the beauty of my daughters, I felt some depression because I realized my previous life was over, and I felt guilt for that depression. But, I didn’t feel like a mother. I didn’t have that immediate connection with my babies. I didn’t have that “love at first sight” feeling. Until now, I’ve only told one person that because I thought it meant I was a terrible human being and I could never be a good mother.

As they’ve grown and I’ve grown, I have become more than a mother. I’m a “Mom Mom”! Now I feel like I really know them, I get them, and they get me.  As they’ve gained pounds and bright red hair and hilarious personalities, they’ve become more real to me, more alive. Not that I treat them any differently now, but I think of them and feel for them differently. At one time, I would leave the house for a few hours of mommy time and I would dread going back. It was too hard, it was too much, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. But I would hurry back anyway because, despite the dread, I cared about my girls and wanted to take good care of them. Now I’m excited to get home, not just to take good care of them but to spend time with them. To laugh and play and feed and bathe and dress and get slobbery and squeeze. Sometimes I squeeze them and almost want to cry because I think, “God gave me you.” I realize that this must be that feeling that other moms talk about when they hold their baby for the first time. It just took me a little longer.

There is a song that I listened to and cried to while I was pregnant. Now I play it in the girls’ room and dance with them, and maybe still cry a little. I couldn’t for a long time put my finger on why I loved it, why I associated it with my girls, or why it made me cry. Here are some lyrics that hit hard me every time;

I was on the mend when I fell through

The sky around was anything but blue

I found as I regained my feet

A wound across my memory

That no amount of stitches would repair

But I awoke and you were standing there…

There's no fortune at the end of the road

That has no end

There's no returning to the spoils

Once you've spoiled the thought of them

There's no falling back to sleep

Once you've awakened from the dream…

Now I'm rested and I'm ready to begin

I’m struggling to see if that song will only seem morbid to everyone but me, but anyway…

I think I’m realizing that I love this because it signifies how my daughters have helped save me. I was never a drug addict or a criminal. I wasn’t spinning out of control. I’ve been chasing after Jesus since I was five. But, they’ve rescued me from myself, from my selfishness. Because of them, my wants, conveniences, and even my needs are knocked out of first place on the priority list. I think that too is becoming a mother.

These little sweet girls aren’t just a part of my life now, they are a part of me. I feel like my earthly existence is now complete. Not complete because I finally became a mother, but because of Georgia and Olive finally being here with me. They make the Jodi that I have always been make sense.

I admit, that I still feel a little guilty about my beginnings as a mother.  I still regret that I loved my babies but wasn’t madly “in love” with them instantly. I wish I could remember more of that sleep deprived, migraine filled, breast-pump tormented, colic blasted first 3 months. But, I didn’t have control over any of that. If you ever feel like it’s too hard, or too much, or you just can’t take it anymore, don’t add guilt to those feelings. Talk to someone. People do want to support you and help you, but they don’t want to bother you. Reach out… even just to your husband. He has no clue what you are thinking or feeling most likely, but he will, also most likely, be more than willing to help or get help! This whole being saved from ourselves thing and learning to love until it hurts is really hard. The reward of becoming a “Mom Mom” is so grand though.