I'm going to be THAT mom.

I don't want to be depressing and all Debbie-Downer here, but I also don't want to only post happy moments of parenting. This blog is not a highlight reel of my experience in motherhood. I just want to be real, friends.

So...

Being a teacher is hard. 

Being a mom is also really hard.  

I have spent the past two years trying to figure out how to be both. That process is also extremely hard.  I have been somewhat of a stay-at-home mom during the summers, and I love it, but I am constantly looking forward to a break. That makes me feel guilty for not appreciating the time with my perfect angelic monkeys.  I have spent two school years as a working mom, and I have felt guilty for leaving my needy, whining cherubs at home each day.  I know that I love my children, and I love being their mommy. I also love teaching. I believe I am called to both big jobs, but actually doing both of them is so hard.

This week, I have finally felt some relief from all that guilt. The girls started going to daycare… the place that I had been avoiding and having panic attacks over for the past two years.  And... they love it! They like the toys, the kids, the snacks, the teachers, the lessons, the songs. They just really like it.  I am enjoying my day and they are enjoying their day. But then we come home… and being a mom (specifically a mom to 2 two year olds) after being a teacher all day is still terribly difficult.

I am physically exhausted.

Before kids, I would sometimes come home so tired from teaching (at the beginning of the school year especially) and just drop on the couch like a full sippy-cup thrown on the hardwood floor. I would just lay there, mindlessly watching The Food Network, until Tony told me to get up and we would go out to eat because it was just easier than making anything.  Now, I get home, unload the girls, and chase them around the front yard, back yard, up the street and eventually into the house so I can finally pee.

I am mentally drained.

I feel like I should be spending my evenings teaching the alphabet and numbers and colors and months and planets and gemstones and presidents and whatever else through cutesy little songs.  I just don’t have it in me after a long day of teaching 9 year olds to read and write and be productive and pleasent little people. Some days, I can barely come up with the cognitive power to get my kids' names right.

I'm tired of being the bad guy.

I have already clipped someone down, told someone “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”, given the mom look, taken away recess time, and said no many times.  I am tired of being the disciplinarian for the day. I just want to love on my kids, even if they want to test me and push my buttons. They might need another time out, but I start thinking it’s probably the 23^rd time that day… does it really matter?

So, how am I going to do both big jobs of working at a stressful job and being a mom to (often times hard) toddlers?

I am going to be the mom that I always said I couldn’t stand.  You know the one.  She takes the easy way out.

1. I am going to stop at Chic-Fil-A on the way home and get nuggets for them and an iced coffee for me as often as I want.

2. I am going to scoot my kids in the front door (or through the gate to the back yard) and just collapse in the nearest chair.

3. I am going to feed them graham crackers (or maybe even cookies) before dinner, just to keep them from throwing a tantrum.

4. I am going to turn on Sesame Street and cuddle both of my sweaty little sweeties on the couch for an entire hour.

5. I am going to text my husband and tell him to bring home pizza. Sometimes this will happen two or three nights in a row.

6. I am going to hug Olive when she bites Georgia. And I am going to kiss Georgia when she pushes Olive. Then I am going to make them hug and kiss each other and say sorry.

7. I am going to mop up the bathroom floor with a used towel after bath time, because bath time is really meant to be splashy and messy and fun. 

8. I am going to let my beautiful little jaw clinchers brush their own teeth (sometimes) because they need to be independent, and I don't want to hold them down and pry their mouths open AGAIN today.

9. I am going to slip my precious bedtime UFC fighters a melatonin, because I would rather rock them both to sleep then leave the room with a busted lip and a black eye (Yes, that has actually happened).

10. I am going to grab my pillow and stagger to their room when I hear a cry for "Moooommmmmyyyy" at 3am. And I will join my crazy little blessings in their big girl bed for the rest of the night. It's a chance for a few more hugs and cuddles anyway.

I am going to be that mom that you probably don’t understand (especially if you aren't a working toddler mom yourself). That’s okay. I'm still a good mom. We pray and sing and learn together and love each other. But we aren't perfect. That's okay.

This is what the girls are doing right beside me while I type this blog, eat left over pizza and watch some of my old favorite episodes of The Office.  My life is really good.