About Bottle-Feeding Moms

I judged them before.  I would think, ‘I wonder why they aren’t breastfeeding? Don’t they want what’s best for their baby?” Or, “She’s probably too selfish to make the sacrifice.” I made those judgments based solely on the experiences I was hoping to have breastfeeding my children. 

Now, I’m on the other end.  I’ve been given backhanded compliments like, “Well, I’m sure you’ll still be a good mom.” Or pitiful encouragement like, “At least they got a little bit.” I know when women breastfeed in public, they wonder about who’s judging them for it and the stigma that is attached to it.  I worry the same things. I am ashamed to bottle-feed my girls in public because women may judge me for ‘not making the sacrifice’ or ‘not wanting what’s best for my babies’. I believe that there is a stigma attached to bottle-feeding just as badly as there is one for breastfeeding.

I’ll give you a glimpse into my story, the not so lovely parts of my otherwise beautiful story about Georgia and Olive, in hopes that it will reveal one of the many reasons that some WONDERFUL MOTHERS can’t or don’t nurse their babies.

WARNING: If you are a man, or a woman who may already be afraid of childbirth, you may want to turn back now. Lol

I was induced at 36 weeks, so my milk supply didn’t come in for 5 whole days. I was told that I needed to supplement and I was cool with that. I kind of expected it at first with twins anyway.  I continued to try to get the girls to latch on for those 5 days just so they would know what to do and not get used to the bottle exclusively.  The lactation consultant was helpful but a little too helpful.  She was constantly all up in my junk! The girls had a really hard time latching on, especially Georgia.  The nurse told me the day we left the hospital that I may get my milk supply but I may never get enough due to having an underactive thyroid as well as having twins.

Finally the milk came, and I was so excited! But, it wasn’t much.  And it was extremely painful. It felt like the milk was being sucked out of my shoulder blades!  All signs pointed to Thrush, and I was terrified of dealing with that! After a few days that pain went away, but the heartbreak of not giving the babies enough to satisfy them didn’t.  I would nurse each baby for about 30 minutes while they screamed and fought me, then they would proceed to drink a whole bottle. That process took about 2 hours… then I would pump in hopes of increasing my milk supply. Then it would be time to start over.

Over the first two weeks at home, my pain (in the nether regions…) continued to get worse instead of better. I was afraid of an infection but tried to pretend that it was fine.  At the two week point my mom had to head back to Ohio and I was on my own with two little bundles and pain so bad I couldn’t sit or stand. It was the worst pain I’ve EVER felt. We stayed in bed for the three-day memorial weekend and cried.  I went to my doctor the next day to find out that I had been stitched too far and the stitches were pulling! Apparently it was pretty scary down there… :/  Yikers, but an easy fix thank the Lord! She snipped a few stitches and told me I was doing too much… that just having two babies was too much work, and I was to eliminate any extra stress.

I felt a bazillion times better but wasn’t willing to risk going through that kind of pain again.  I decided to just pump and bottle-feed the girls for a while in order to relieve some stress.  I never got enough for even just one of them. I would have enough for one baby every other feeding, or both babies every once in a while.  I’ve heard women say they hurt from needing to nurse, but I never felt that.

At about three weeks, the girls were ready for more milk at each feeding.  My supply was actually decreasing as their demand increased.  I would feed them every two hours, and it took about an hour to feed them.  Then pump between each feeding at least once.  I was sad to give up, but I did.  I was always exhausted and defeated.

So now when I see a mom breastfeeding, I’m not judging her.  I’m jealous of her. I wonder if there was any more I could have done.  Should I have tried harder or longer?  Did I do something wrong? Are my daughters going to be at a disadvantage now?  And I know that none of that is true. I’m a great mom, not ‘still a good mom’.  Olive and Georgia are healthy, happy, and developing amazingly! They are going to be smart and funny and caring and love Jesus regardless of whether or not my boob was in their mouths!

So when you meet a new mom or soon to be mom, try not to let your first question be, “Are you going to breastfeed?” I know you’re passionate about it, but it’s not a choice for everybody, and it is important but not the most important thing (safety, shelter, food in general, love)! AND… I bet a ton of you breastfeeding moms were not breastfed yourselves. I wasn’t. I’m still awesome.